i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
