i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
