So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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