at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
There are leaves in my underwear?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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