I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
