Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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