All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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