well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
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