And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
