I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
