Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
