I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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