hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
