you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
