Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
