She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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