Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
