i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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