my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
