Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
