I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
foreskin is a definite game changer
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
