I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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