Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
