I can text with my tongue
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
