he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
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