he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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