john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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