I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
