Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
