I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I supernannyed him into submission
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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