OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Randomize
