So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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