Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
the condom got lost in my hair
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
