If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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