Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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