i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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