I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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