How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
