my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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