im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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