Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
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I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard