Texts From Last Night

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  (626): View more from California

  Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.

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  (626): Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome. http://tfl.nu/kgjr
  Replies (16) Good night (4420) Bad night (759)
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  (727): View more from Florida

  I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.

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  (727): I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut. http://tfl.nu/wfck
  Replies (126) Good night (1480) Bad night (3872)
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  (203): View more from Connecticut

  if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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  (203): if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize. http://tfl.nu/tmed
  Replies (27) Good night (6456) Bad night (1324)
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?

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  (401): I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper? http://tfl.nu/78fg
  Replies (2) Good night (1048) Bad night (2535)
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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  (+44): She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name http://tfl.nu/1k1s
  Replies (6) Good night (3358) Bad night (1041)
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  (503): View more from Oregon

  still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona

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  (503): still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona http://tfl.nu/3dwf
  Replies (8) Good night (1249) Bad night (2810)
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

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  (512): I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America. http://tfl.nu/x9dk
  Replies (7) Good night (2236) Bad night (1002)
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  (+61): View more from Australia

  can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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  (+61): can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room http://tfl.nu/484e
  Replies (10) Good night (2899) Bad night (955)
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  (248): View more from Michigan

  Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?

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  (248): Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship? http://tfl.nu/tepw
  Replies (11) Good night (2345) Bad night (793)
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  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again

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  (781): I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again http://tfl.nu/5dv2
  Replies (2) Good night (968) Bad night (540)
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  (307): View more from Wyoming

  The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

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  (307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity. http://tfl.nu/x8mh
  Replies (2) Good night (1265) Bad night (600)
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  (206): View more from Washington

  I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2

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  (206): I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2 http://tfl.nu/1blx
  Replies (9) Good night (1328) Bad night (581)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL

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  (202): I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL http://tfl.nu/l7q5
  Replies (9) Good night (530) Bad night (353)
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  (602): View more from Arizona

  It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead

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  (602): It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead http://tfl.nu/3tbq
  Replies (0) Good night (513) Bad night (250)
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  (317): View more from Indiana

  I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.

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  (317): I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate. http://tfl.nu/c5sn
  Replies (2) Good night (774) Bad night (224)

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