Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Goodnight sugar queer
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.