whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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