There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
