Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
