Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
even my farts smell like vagina
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
