As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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