I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
