I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
