dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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