i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
