You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
