Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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