I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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