I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
