I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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