im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
